Over two years ago, I shared three blog posts about our journey to having a baby. The first told the story of our experience with fertility testing and all the emotions that came with that process. The second detailed the continuation of that process as I began taking hormones to boost my egg production. The third went on to proclaim the joyous news that, after two rounds of said hormones, we were finally pregnant.
Fast forward to this past April. We have a gorgeous daughter who brings boundless joy to our lives and we learn daily the ins and outs of being parents. We’ve also reached the point where we’d like to add another child to our family … as yet, we’ve been unsuccessful. Again.
The midwife who delivered Evie also did my postpartum appointment, during which I asked how long we would have to try naturally before seeking assistance. She told us that, due to my age (under 35) and the successful pregnancy and delivery of Evie, most physicians would tell us to try for a year … but because she knew us and our story, we could contact her after 6-8 months.
Nine months after Evie was born, we began trying to conceive. The first month was no big deal because we were *just* starting again, and with Evie still so young we weren’t in a rush just yet. Even the second and third cycles were relatively bearable, but by cycle 4 it started to get to me. By the time we met the end of cycle 6, we contacted the midwife to request assistance. We’re due to leave Germany in about 7 months, and we wanted to do what we could with people who know our story and wouldn’t force us to go through the whole process again.
The midwife (who, by the way, is one of my favorite people on the planet – her presence in the delivery room was absolutely a divine appointment) told us she could prescribe the hormones for three months, after which she would have to refer me on to an actual physician. She started me on a double dosage of the hormones, the same dosage I had taken just before getting pregnant with Evie. Cycle 1: no success.
In the second cycle, she changed my prescription to what was technically a triple dosage. However, the prime ovulation day happened to coincide with the day we were traveling from Germany to Oregon, so …………. Cycle 2: no success.
For the third cycle, I remained on the triple dosage, and we are currently in the middle of that cycle. Should we not conceive this time, I’ll be referred on to a new doctor, and I have NO idea what will happen after that.
I will say that gift of Evie in our family drastically reduces the frustration and anxiety of this new fertility journey, but not completely. We’ve heard so many stories about how quickly people got pregnant with the second child (often when they weren’t even trying), so you think: that could be me, too. You assume the struggle only happened that first time, and that your body should just know what to do this time. And when it doesn’t respond that way, you find yourself focusing just a bit too much on why and it’s not fair and but everyone else is getting pregnant so easily.
You guys, infertility (even if temporary) is horrible. To say this season is “difficult” is an understatement. It makes you question your body, your emotions, even your trust at times. And the enemy would have you believe that your body is broken, that your emotions are overactive, that you’re placing trust is in the wrong place. And yet the Father, in His infinite kindness and grace, is so much bigger than those insecurities and He wants you to find your identity in HIM above everything else.
I KNOW that my God is faithful.
I KNOW that He loves me and Lou and Evie more than we could ever imagine.
I KNOW that He already has our family’s future in His hands.
I also know that He has surrounded us with exactly the right people to support and encourage and lift us up to Him, to walk alongside us every step of the way. And that is where I see His faithfulness the most – even though He has not yet fulfilled the desire of my heart, He has by no means left me alone. He has not yet given me what I want, but He has given me what I *need* to walk this path.
God has made me a mother. He has given Lou and I the greatest gift we could imagine by allowing us to be the parents of our precious daughter. We desperately desire to parent more children, which is why we will pursue fostering/adoption when we move back to the States if we have not been able to conceive again. We would ask that you join us in praying for the conception of a new child, but also that we would experience contentment, joy and peace while we wait. We would also encourage you, if you know others who are walking through a time of infertility, to come alongside them in faithful support. Not with cliche statements or uneducated comments about what they must be going through (unless you’ve dealt with it in your own life, in which case PLEASE walk with them and love on them), but true support: pray for them, hurt with them, be steadfast with them in trusting God’s love for all of us.
Lastly, if you are walking this road right now, know that you are not alone. We stand with you in every facet of this journey, praying and trusting and yes, hoping, that God will intervene and grant you the children your own hearts desire.